Sometimes I just don't even know how I feel. I am overwhelmed with sadness, happiness, gratefulness, reluctance, fear, peace, and love. I don't even know what to do with all those feelings. So, I write. I write whatever my heart feels burdened with. Today I feel burdened with feelings. So this is my release, my devotion, my way of working through the ways I feel with His help, strength and love.
I still find myself so sad that Abijah isn't here. I keep wanting this hole in my heart to be filled but then I don't want to forget (not that you ever can). I just find so much frustration sometimes in how I feel, like I am not normal to feel the way I feel. Then Matthew reminds me that it is normal, my child isn't here and it is okay to feel empty.
I also happy for the lives God has blessed me with and I am happy for the short weeks Abijah was with me in my womb. I am just feel happy to know that He is God, His plan is supreme and He is awesome.
I feel grateful for everything He has brought me through, the lessons He has taught and the peace He has provided. I am grateful for those I have around and grateful for the story I get to share. I know the story is sad but in it I have found such strength for that I am grateful.
I am reluctant to get pregnant again even though I really want more children. Reluctant to lose someone again, reluctant to be used again.
I feel fear. Fear of the unknown, what He has in store for me. Fear of failing Him or those around me. I try to remember everyday to REPLACE FEAR WITH FAITH. I am working on it.
I have peace. Peace knowing my Father has His everlasting arms around me. Those arms are there to comfort me, for me to cling to when I am scared, for me to fall into when I sad and for me to hug when I am happy, rejoicing in the things He has provided.
I also have love. Love for my Saviour and for the Son who gave His life for a sinner like me. I know love from Him. I have love from those around me. I have love from the little hands I hold in pray, the little arms I hug and snuggle. I have love from the man who God put in my life to be my best friend.
I have love and in that love I find that peace and happiness and for all that I am grateful.
