I was given a small percentage that he (the doctor) was wrong. I had blood drawn, the levels went down. I didn't spot, my hopes went up. I started spotting, my heart sank. I clung to the hope and knowledge that my Savior could do anything and I knew in my heart that if it was His will He would put a heartbeat where the doctor had found none. He had done before (that's another story).
His will was to take my third born child home to Him. On January 12, 2007 I gave birth to a child I will never know. I will never have a face (except in my dreams) to envision.
I did take my little baby (which unfortunately looked like a mass of tissue) and swaddled him in a blue corduroy blanket. I know that may seem odd to some but he was my baby. I couldn't discard him like he was nothing. How these arms still long for him and this heart ache for him but the peace that God provides has been my foundation.
There is a song that spoke to me throughout my "storm" and it still continues to speak to me for in everything my life here on earth may endure I will always Praise Him in the storms of life.
Praise You In This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down,
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
This is my story. Abijah's journal has become my prayer journal because through his short life I learned more how to fully rely on God and have faith in His will and not my own. I made a promise to God. That promise was that if through my loss I could be able to minister to others that He use me for whatever He wanted. So, God please use me.
