This is a story I had prayed I would never have to share, again. I do. This is a pain I prayed I would never have to endure, again. I do. This is a journey I didn't want to take or continue on. I am. We have spent the past 16 weeks on an emotional roller coaster.
I went to see the Dr. at 7 1/2 weeks, blood work was all good, had an ultrasound the next day. No heartbeat, but the baby was measuring right on. My HcG levels were on the rise, not doubling like they wanted but significantly increasing. I went back at 9 weeks and it was obvious the baby had died.
The crazy thing about all this is that I spent the first weeks knowing something was wrong when in all reality the baby was growing right on schedule. Even though the Dr. called and said, "It looks like the good Lord is answering your prayers", I knew it wasn't going to be "okay". Okay is such a relative term, isn't it?
I didn't start miscarrying until 12 weeks. Many have judged this decision, but this is what I had peace with. I wouldn't change it. I had been down this path before and just prepped myself for what the day would hold. This was not the same path. Four hours into my miscarriage I began to hemorrhage. Within minutes I was on the verge of passing out. We rushed to the ER (praise the Lord it is across the street). I had to have an emergency D & C. I found with all the trauma it was very hard to grieve and process things the way I had last time.
Why can things never happen the same way twice. The actually physical loss and emotional loss were all so different this time. I felt God's presence and all-surpassing peace with Abijah. I spent weeks praying for strength, wisdom and peace and felt nothing. I am not big on living your life based on "feelings". My Savior is not a "feeling". He is my Father, who wants to help me grow and become the person He has intended. I felt anger this time. I felt abandoned. I sat at His feet completely surrendered and yet "felt" like I received nothing.
Things just don't happen the same way twice. I am here today wanting to pull a 3 Stooges moment. You know the one. One of the goofs does something stupid and the other pokes him in the eyes or whatever quirky thing they do. I want to smack my self upside the head and yell " HELLO Mrs. Obvious".
I have said a lot of prayers in my life and been able to see His answer or at least look back and see it. I have sat around begging Him for the peace my heart desired. Guess what? I MISSED IT! I realized I don't feel the same because I am not the same. I have grown in Him so much since I lost Abijah. He has always given me what I needed. So I sat there on my bed, begging him and then realizing the way I "feel" is because He has already provided the peace. How can you miss the thing you are praying for the hardest?
With Abijah we wanted to name him, bury him, remember him. I sit here not wanting any of those things. They seem too hard. Is is because I did those things that dealing with my loss of Abijah was harder? Will not doing those things guard my heart? Will not doing them cause regret? Oh, how I have tried to keep myself guarded. Seriously, if you keep yourself separated does it make the loss any less? NO WAY! You just find yourself burying these feelings you need to deal with. What can't things happen the same way twice? I would have been so much more prepared for everything. What do I do?
I smile. I smile at the ways God brings you answers. I smile at the life He gives.........and takes away. I smile at the heart of a child. A 7 year old boy whose heart is so understanding. He knows God's greatness and senses it with everything in him. To have faith like a child. We all need it. I sat sobbing in hurt and anger, screaming questions to my Father, praying, surrendering, falling, failing, guarding. I gained my composure long enough to answer the knock from my 7 year old. Trying to not let on that I wasn't okay.
"Mom, I picked a name for the baby."
"You did? I don't think we are going to name the baby."
"That is our baby, we have to name it"
"Okay bud, what did you pick?"
"Israel, it could be for a boy or a girl"
I smiled, hugged him and told him it was a great name and he left the room. Then I looked up and said "Seriously? Israel? Is that Your attempt at making point? Point taken." For those of you who don't know the meaning of the name Israel, it means "wrestled with God". I sat there on my bed just broken. I knew very well that was exactly where I was, spiritually, that day. I knew His plan, I trusted His plan, I just needed to be reminded I guess.
Well, there is my story for now. May my "Israel" bring me closer to Him. Please pray for me. Pray for my recovery ( I lost ALOT of blood) physically and pray for me emotionally. I know I will get through it, I have done it before. In all honesty it has been easier in so many ways this time but I still need your prayers. Any prayers, recommendations or testimony you want to offer would be much appreciated by myself and anyone else who may come to this blog. Have a blessed day in the Lord.
"He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, blessed be Your Name"
5 comments:
Girl, you know I love you more than words can say! Your words are filled with raw-emotion, yet so beautiful. If things happened the same way twice, you wouldn't come to know Him in a new way, and I think you have done just that. We're still praying for you every day and won't be stopping any time soon! Love ya!
By the way, that's the name I wanted for Adah for the exact same reason, but Nate wouldn't go for it! (You know me and meanings!)
Hi--I found your blog from the Baby Loss Directory. I, too, am recovering from a miscarriage as I write this. I can totally relate to your feelings of anger. I was so sad with my first two losses, but just felt so angry with God this time. I don't want to turn into a bitter person, and I feel like He's slowly but surely bringing me the needed peace. I don't feel like I have any words of comfort to offer at this time, but know that I'm praying for you. Please pray for me as well. God bless!
Hi Chandra Thank you so much for sharing your story. I was in Abijah and Iain's garden a couple days ago, wondering if we were going to add a memorial for Isreal. I sat there in the garden thinking about our babies who have gone on before us. I have been struggling with this whole situation in a different way, I am a grieving grandmother, who does not know how to help. I feel awkward trying to comfort you and Matthew, and feel so badly that I do not know what to do. I love you so much, but do not know how to show comfort. Just know I care, and I love you and your beloved babies we will have to wait to meet. And I care even if I might not seem like I do. You can tell me what you need me to do. I too have been struggling with this miscarriage. I also feel so badly that I was sick when you needed me physically. I feel like such a failure! But guess what God is good all the time, and He is faithful even when we think He is not. I jut struggle with the WHY of it all. Why does He allow my babies to suffer so much? So I just pray for understanding, and for comfort for you.
I felt like I was sitting right on your bed with you as I read your story. You know that I have never been through a miscarriage and at this point of my life never will. Why was I spared that? I don't have an answer for that. I do in some ways relate some of the things you were saying to what I have experienced as one of my own children has been struggling for all of these years with her disease. Just when I think I have things figured out something new happens. Why is she the one that has it so bad? Why does she have to suffer with all of the complications and the pokes and prods and hardships? It is never ending the things that come up.
One thing that I have learned is that God is using her life in a mighty way. He is using her to even help refine me. So whatever she has to endure HE has the grand purpose for it all. Be encouraged today that your words are helping people. I wish I could take the hurts from you and give you those precious babies. Since I can't just know that people are out here praying and amazed at the grace and courage that you have shown through your hardships. We don't know the plan, but God does. Jer 29:11.
Thank you all for sharing you thoughts, feelings, struggles, etc with me. It is an amazing journey, one with many ups and downs but a journey that leads us all to an amazing place if we just trust Him. I pray God will be with you all, guiding you through this roller coaster of life.
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