D-Day

I would be singing songs, reading books, playing peek-a-boo and many more things with a one year old right now. But I'm not.

Why?

Because he is not here.

He would be walking, following me around from room to room, chasing after his brothers and I am sure being all boy. But he's not.

Why?

Because He (my Heavenly Father) chose to make Heaven Abijah's only home.

I don't mean for that to sound bitter, just factual. He knows what is best and because I know that, I am happy for what He knows.

My arms still long to cradle him, my heart still feels like it is broken, and my life still seems like it is missing something. I know it probably always will. I wondered how I would ever make it through, I am. Today marks the one year anniversary of my due date, hence the title D-Day. My baby isn't here and I don't feel like he should be but I do wish he was. With such heartache has come joy in a place I never expected or wanted.

Three months after my miscarriage I found out I was pregnant again. I tried to just not think about anything. I didn't want to get attached (like you can really prevent that). When my fourth child entered the world I knew he was special. If I hadn't have miscarried Abijah, this new life would never have been. Abijah was born January 12th and Lil Mr. N was born January 21st 1 year later. How God always knows what you need. I was ready to never have another child ever again. God knew best. I didn't want to ever take a chance this would happen again. God knew best. I know that and believe that. I also know that still feeling hurt, loss and grief doesn't make me any less faithful to the God I serve.

So as I look back over the past year and a half I reflect on the life He brought home to Him and how He will use that for His glory and I also reflect on the new life He gave to show me that He ALWAYS knows best. I still miss my little baby boy and pray everyday that his story will bring others to HIS story. May God richly bless your lives today and heal our hearts.