Sometimes I just don't even know how I feel. I am overwhelmed with sadness, happiness, gratefulness, reluctance, fear, peace, and love. I don't even know what to do with all those feelings. So, I write. I write whatever my heart feels burdened with. Today I feel burdened with feelings. So this is my release, my devotion, my way of working through the ways I feel with His help, strength and love.
I still find myself so sad that Abijah isn't here. I keep wanting this hole in my heart to be filled but then I don't want to forget (not that you ever can). I just find so much frustration sometimes in how I feel, like I am not normal to feel the way I feel. Then Matthew reminds me that it is normal, my child isn't here and it is okay to feel empty.
I also happy for the lives God has blessed me with and I am happy for the short weeks Abijah was with me in my womb. I am just feel happy to know that He is God, His plan is supreme and He is awesome.
I feel grateful for everything He has brought me through, the lessons He has taught and the peace He has provided. I am grateful for those I have around and grateful for the story I get to share. I know the story is sad but in it I have found such strength for that I am grateful.
I am reluctant to get pregnant again even though I really want more children. Reluctant to lose someone again, reluctant to be used again.
I feel fear. Fear of the unknown, what He has in store for me. Fear of failing Him or those around me. I try to remember everyday to REPLACE FEAR WITH FAITH. I am working on it.
I have peace. Peace knowing my Father has His everlasting arms around me. Those arms are there to comfort me, for me to cling to when I am scared, for me to fall into when I sad and for me to hug when I am happy, rejoicing in the things He has provided.
I also have love. Love for my Saviour and for the Son who gave His life for a sinner like me. I know love from Him. I have love from those around me. I have love from the little hands I hold in pray, the little arms I hug and snuggle. I have love from the man who God put in my life to be my best friend.
I have love and in that love I find that peace and happiness and for all that I am grateful.
2 comments:
I just happened to check this blog on the day that you posted. I don't think that is a coincidence do you? Funny thing is, I've been here at the computer for over 3 hours now responding to emails and comments to women who have lost babies. I don't know what God is getting ready to do in our lives, but I think He's up to something!
I miss being able to sit around and chat together on days like this. Days that it all seems just a little too overwhelming. A little too real.
I'm sitting here bawling after "ministering" to so many women today who are hurting and crying out to God in disbelief. It just brings it all back, yet it makes me so grateful for how far God has brought me in my healing.
He is a Mighty God isn't He? Thanks for allowing me to read your posts and share your journey with you! I love you!
He IS a mighty God and I am so blessed to have you on this journey with me.
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