Waiting

Feeling hopeful, feeling lost, feeling alone, feeling like you will never get what you have dreamed of for so long.  Some of us have endured the heartache of never knowing if we will ever have a baby.  Others of us have babies with us and still mourn for those we didn't get to keep.  Either way we are waiting.  Waiting for the day we can snuggle a precious gift in our arms.  

What do we do while we wait?  Both my miscarriages were "missed", which means the baby had died and my body hadn't yet let them go.  I played a long waiting game, trusting God would perform a miracle in my womb.  I didn't get the miracle I prayed for but knew my Father had bigger plans.  I am not saying I didn't have bad days (which is pretty evident from previous posts) but I did choose to worship and honor Him while I was waiting and when the waiting was "over" and praising Him for the testimony I had to share.  

Can I challenge you today amidst your pain and longing to worship Him while you are waiting.  He can fill our wombs and heal our hearts if we just let Him.  My heart goes out to each of you, whatever stage you are in.  

I have posted a song below that I heard during the movie Fireproof and it just reminded me of my journey through my miscarriages and how I wanted even more than ever to "praise Him while I am waiting".  I found this video that is dedicated to those who are yearning for that precious gift from above.  I want to trust Him more everyday, not knowing what He has in store.  "It is not easy, but I will wait."  

I pray this video encourages you and please never hesitate to email me or leave a comment if you need/want to talk.  We can't walk this journey alone.   

                                 

Things Never Happen The Same Way Twice

I learned with my last miscarriage that things never happen the same way twice.  We all grieved so much different the second time around.  I am not saying this is bad it was just different.  My biggest concern has always been how it will affect my children.  For those of you who have lost a child  and have other children you understand what I am saying.  

I came across an e-book back in August and hadn't had a chance to read it until now.  I thought I would pass it along to those of you who may benefit from it.  It is called, "A Guide to Children and Grief".  Here is an excerpt from the introduction of the book.

"By the age of 18, one in five children will experience the death of someone close to them.

One in 20 children experience the death of one or both of their parents before they turn 15.

Yet despite these astounding statistics, few general resources exist on how to help grieving

children. This Guide to Children and Grief is intended to provide an introduction to issues

common to grieving children.

You will learn:

• how children grieve differently than adults

• what to say and do to help grieving children

• where to find additional resources to help you and the child

This guide is intended to help the parents, teachers, friends, and mentors who provide

comfort and support during a child's grieving process.

Grief is a natural, healthy human process for recovering after a major loss. Although the

experience of grief is difficult, it's crucial for emotional growth. Like any suppressed

emotional response, unreconciled grief can have significant negative effects. As a

responsible, caring adult, your task is important: allow the child or children to fully

experience and learn from their grief."

While this book doesn't speak specifically of miscarriage and it does seem more geared towards the loss of a parent figure or other significant person in a child's life, there is good information on the grieving process of children and how it differs from adults.  

As a nurse who has studied death, dying and grieving I think this book will provide  you with some insight on how children think and react to death.  I think it may provide you with some good tips on how to help your child grieve.  Also, they have a list of resources in the back to further help.   

I can neither approve nor disapprove the resources they have given because I have not read any of them as of yet.  I can recommend a book or two that myself, or others I know, have benefited from in the past.  

Please feel free to leave a comment or email me if you have any questions or comments.  Thank you!  May God comfort you on your journey.

Recommended books:  Grieveing the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg;  Empty Arms By: Pam Vredevelt

Here We Go Again

This is a story I had prayed I would never have to share, again. I do. This is a pain I prayed I would never have to endure, again. I do. This is a journey I didn't want to take or continue on. I am. We have spent the past 16 weeks on an emotional roller coaster.

I went to see the Dr. at 7 1/2 weeks, blood work was all good, had an ultrasound the next day. No heartbeat, but the baby was measuring right on. My HcG levels were on the rise, not doubling like they wanted but significantly increasing. I went back at 9 weeks and it was obvious the baby had died.

The crazy thing about all this is that I spent the first weeks knowing something was wrong when in all reality the baby was growing right on schedule. Even though the Dr. called and said, "It looks like the good Lord is answering your prayers", I knew it wasn't going to be "okay". Okay is such a relative term, isn't it?

I didn't start miscarrying until 12 weeks. Many have judged this decision, but this is what I had peace with. I wouldn't change it. I had been down this path before and just prepped myself for what the day would hold. This was not the same path. Four hours into my miscarriage I began to hemorrhage. Within minutes I was on the verge of passing out. We rushed to the ER (praise the Lord it is across the street). I had to have an emergency D & C. I found with all the trauma it was very hard to grieve and process things the way I had last time.

Why can things never happen the same way twice. The actually physical loss and emotional loss were all so different this time. I felt God's presence and all-surpassing peace with Abijah. I spent weeks praying for strength, wisdom and peace and felt nothing. I am not big on living your life based on "feelings". My Savior is not a "feeling". He is my Father, who wants to help me grow and become the person He has intended. I felt anger this time. I felt abandoned. I sat at His feet completely surrendered and yet "felt" like I received nothing.

Things just don't happen the same way twice. I am here today wanting to pull a 3 Stooges moment. You know the one. One of the goofs does something stupid and the other pokes him in the eyes or whatever quirky thing they do. I want to smack my self upside the head and yell " HELLO Mrs. Obvious".

I have said a lot of prayers in my life and been able to see His answer or at least look back and see it. I have sat around begging Him for the peace my heart desired. Guess what? I MISSED IT! I realized I don't feel the same because I am not the same. I have grown in Him so much since I lost Abijah. He has always given me what I needed. So I sat there on my bed, begging him and then realizing the way I "feel" is because He has already provided the peace. How can you miss the thing you are praying for the hardest?

With Abijah we wanted to name him, bury him, remember him. I sit here not wanting any of those things. They seem too hard. Is is because I did those things that dealing with my loss of Abijah was harder? Will not doing those things guard my heart? Will not doing them cause regret? Oh, how I have tried to keep myself guarded. Seriously, if you keep yourself separated does it make the loss any less? NO WAY! You just find yourself burying these feelings you need to deal with. What can't things happen the same way twice? I would have been so much more prepared for everything. What do I do?

I smile. I smile at the ways God brings you answers. I smile at the life He gives.........and takes away. I smile at the heart of a child. A 7 year old boy whose heart is so understanding. He knows God's greatness and senses it with everything in him. To have faith like a child. We all need it. I sat sobbing in hurt and anger, screaming questions to my Father, praying, surrendering, falling, failing, guarding. I gained my composure long enough to answer the knock from my 7 year old. Trying to not let on that I wasn't okay.

"Mom, I picked a name for the baby."

"You did? I don't think we are going to name the baby."

"That is our baby, we have to name it"

"Okay bud, what did you pick?"

"Israel, it could be for a boy or a girl"

I smiled, hugged him and told him it was a great name and he left the room. Then I looked up and said "Seriously? Israel? Is that Your attempt at making point? Point taken." For those of you who don't know the meaning of the name Israel, it means "wrestled with God". I sat there on my bed just broken. I knew very well that was exactly where I was, spiritually, that day. I knew His plan, I trusted His plan, I just needed to be reminded I guess.

Well, there is my story for now. May my "Israel" bring me closer to Him. Please pray for me. Pray for my recovery ( I lost ALOT of blood) physically and pray for me emotionally. I know I will get through it, I have done it before. In all honesty it has been easier in so many ways this time but I still need your prayers. Any prayers, recommendations or testimony you want to offer would be much appreciated by myself and anyone else who may come to this blog. Have a blessed day in the Lord.

"He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, blessed be Your Name"

Your Miscarriage Experience

Experiencing a miscarriage effects you in so many different ways.  The emotional, physical and spiritual roller coaster you ride is a difficult one.  I understand, from personal experience, how hard it can be to take that ride.  The relationship you have with your spouse, family, friends and even yourself is stretched.  Would you like the opportunity to share you you felt and dealt with your loss?  I was contacted the other day, asking if I would post a survey here on my blog.  As a healthcare professional I understand the importance of understanding and treating the whole person.  If you don't mind please take the time to complete this survey and let your experience help others.  Here is the info I was sent and the link to the survey. Thank you for your input and time.

Everyone has a unique experience with miscarriage and many find help and support through websites like this one. Unfortunately, little is known about women's experiences of support and how this may affect responses to miscarriage, and so I invite you to participate in my dissertation research study examining women’s experiences following a miscarriage. Although there is no direct benefit to you, survey results may help healthcare providers better understand and meet the needs of women following miscarriage. This online survey takes approximately 15-20 minutes and is open to women who have miscarried a wanted pregnancy in the previous 6 months who are 18 years of age or older, living in the United States, and involved in a relationship with a significant other. Participants are eligible for a raffle for a $50 American Express gift certificate. For more information, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Lisa Rosenzweig
Teachers College
lsr2106@columbia.edu 

Healing Comes

I remember not so long ago wondering if I would have feel right again. Would I be able to wake up in the morning and feel whole again. There was this hole in my heart that would never be filled but would it always be empty?

Over the past 2 years I have had opportunity after opportunity to minister with those who have experienced the loss of a baby. After 2 years I can look back and see the healing path I have taken. I will always miss Abijah. After crying out for so long for God to fill this void in my heart, He has. I have grown more dependant on Him and less on others and myself. The piece of my heart that was broken he has mended. It still aches at times, but I can still feel His overwhelming peace. After all, when you break a bone and it heals, doesn't the rain still make it ache. It does for me.

I can actually say I have found joy in my circumstance. He has taken something sad and hurtful and used it for good. My prayer is that this may provide you with some encouragement as you continue to face your days without your baby. May God grant us peace as we continue to find our new normal. We wait for the day when we will be made fully whole in Him who has given us life.