Help for the Holidays

I always find myself a little more emotional around the holidays. It could be because we found out Abijah didn't have a heartbeat on December 22nd. It also could be because every time the family is "all" together I always feel like we are missing someone or someones (Abijah, Jael and Iain). The holidays also bring about Christmas cards which are usually adorable pictures of your kids, except not all my kids are there.

So, as the holidays approach us I would just like to share this with you. Her words are always so encouraging to me. Her little boy, Caden, died due to the same thing my niece, Jael, did (bilateral renal agenesis).

Thank you Carlson Crew for sharing your story.

Encouragement Through Your Miscarriage

I know there are so many of you out there going through the loss of your child. You might have just found out or may still be trying to grieve. Some of you have sought encouragement through this blog and other avenues. I just want to encourage you.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel. You might not see it at all right now. Maybe it is the size of a pinhole, it will grow larger. Eventually, you will be able to take a big step (maybe even a leap) into that light. I can't encourage you enough to reach out and talk about your current circumstance. There are people out there who want to share in your grief.

I pray for each and everyone of you who contacts me. Your story may have been used to help someone else who thought they were the only one. If you want to talk, know someone is here who wants to listen. Listening is not always easy, it can bring back your own experience and cause you to go through it all over again. Let me assure you, it is okay.

I don't want this to sound discouraging to any of you but you CANNOT do this on your own. When hope feels gone and you are not sure how you are going to pick yourself up and go on, remember there is a WAY. There is a Savior, Father, Healer who wants to hold you in His arms and make you feel all better. You just have to let Him. Tell Him how sad, angry, bitter, resentful, heartbroken you are. Through all this He will give you the peace, fulfillment and joy you so long to have.

I just wanted to share those things with you today. If you want to share your story please do so. You can leave it in the comment section right here or you can e-mail me. I will offer you whatever insight I can. I have the experience of going through it myself and can also give some insight on the medical aspect of it. So if I can help in anyway, please don't hesitate to ask.

May God comfort you through this time.

National Day of Remembrance

Today is the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. Everyone has a story to tell and that story is significant to them. Don't hold in your feelings. Other people may not understand for one reason or another. Maybe they have never experienced the loss of a child, maybe they have and just don't know how to grieve, and just maybe they know exactly how you are feeling. No matter what stage of pregnancy you have made it through, your child is not here. I never got to meet my Abijah but he is still my child. I miss him EVERY SINGLE day. So today, remember your child and remember that it is okay to grieve. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Your heart feels broken because it is broken. Your feelings are normal.

I write this because there are a lot of people out there who felt like they could never really grieve, like it wasn't okay to. After all, it was "just a miscarriage". It is NEVER "just a miscarriage". It was a baby, who died, that we will never meet on this earth. So know that you can talk about it and you should. I have been blessed with people who have let me talk about Abijah whenever I want. Whether you have miscarried or not, could you be that person today? Be the person who shares their story or just be willing to listen to someone's story.

Please join me in praying for these babies and their families.
Abijah Saul
Jael Elise
Iain
Emily Faith
Isaac Joseph
Julie
Josiah
Gavern
Many unnamed babies whose lives are still missed

If you have a family you would like to add or you would like to add yourself just leave me a comment.

May God give you the strength and courage to use your experience to bless others.

What a Feeling?!?!?!

Sometimes I just don't even know how I feel. I am overwhelmed with sadness, happiness, gratefulness, reluctance, fear, peace, and love. I don't even know what to do with all those feelings. So, I write. I write whatever my heart feels burdened with. Today I feel burdened with feelings. So this is my release, my devotion, my way of working through the ways I feel with His help, strength and love.

I still find myself so sad that Abijah isn't here. I keep wanting this hole in my heart to be filled but then I don't want to forget (not that you ever can). I just find so much frustration sometimes in how I feel, like I am not normal to feel the way I feel. Then Matthew reminds me that it is normal, my child isn't here and it is okay to feel empty.


I also happy for the lives God has blessed me with and I am happy for the short weeks Abijah was with me in my womb. I am just feel happy to know that He is God, His plan is supreme and He is awesome.

I feel grateful for everything He has brought me through, the lessons He has taught and the peace He has provided. I am grateful for those I have around and grateful for the story I get to share. I know the story is sad but in it I have found such strength for that I am grateful.

I am reluctant to get pregnant again even though I really want more children. Reluctant to lose someone again, reluctant to be used again.

I feel fear. Fear of the unknown, what He has in store for me. Fear of failing Him or those around me. I try to remember everyday to REPLACE FEAR WITH FAITH. I am working on it.

I have peace. Peace knowing my Father has His everlasting arms around me. Those arms are there to comfort me, for me to cling to when I am scared, for me to fall into when I sad and for me to hug when I am happy, rejoicing in the things He has provided.

I also have love. Love for my Saviour and for the Son who gave His life for a sinner like me. I know love from Him. I have love from those around me. I have love from the little hands I hold in pray, the little arms I hug and snuggle. I have love from the man who God put in my life to be my best friend.

I have love and in that love I find that peace and happiness and for all that I am grateful.

D-Day

I would be singing songs, reading books, playing peek-a-boo and many more things with a one year old right now. But I'm not.

Why?

Because he is not here.

He would be walking, following me around from room to room, chasing after his brothers and I am sure being all boy. But he's not.

Why?

Because He (my Heavenly Father) chose to make Heaven Abijah's only home.

I don't mean for that to sound bitter, just factual. He knows what is best and because I know that, I am happy for what He knows.

My arms still long to cradle him, my heart still feels like it is broken, and my life still seems like it is missing something. I know it probably always will. I wondered how I would ever make it through, I am. Today marks the one year anniversary of my due date, hence the title D-Day. My baby isn't here and I don't feel like he should be but I do wish he was. With such heartache has come joy in a place I never expected or wanted.

Three months after my miscarriage I found out I was pregnant again. I tried to just not think about anything. I didn't want to get attached (like you can really prevent that). When my fourth child entered the world I knew he was special. If I hadn't have miscarried Abijah, this new life would never have been. Abijah was born January 12th and Lil Mr. N was born January 21st 1 year later. How God always knows what you need. I was ready to never have another child ever again. God knew best. I didn't want to ever take a chance this would happen again. God knew best. I know that and believe that. I also know that still feeling hurt, loss and grief doesn't make me any less faithful to the God I serve.

So as I look back over the past year and a half I reflect on the life He brought home to Him and how He will use that for His glory and I also reflect on the new life He gave to show me that He ALWAYS knows best. I still miss my little baby boy and pray everyday that his story will bring others to HIS story. May God richly bless your lives today and heal our hearts.

I Will Praise You in This Storm

On December 22, 2006 my whole life changed. That was the day I heard some of the most awful words a mother could ever hear, "I'm not seeing a heartbeat". What happened next all happened so fast and is still in slow motion every time I think about it.

I was given a small percentage that he (the doctor) was wrong. I had blood drawn, the levels went down. I didn't spot, my hopes went up. I started spotting, my heart sank. I clung to the hope and knowledge that my Savior could do anything and I knew in my heart that if it was His will He would put a heartbeat where the doctor had found none. He had done before (that's another story).

His will was to take my third born child home to Him. On January 12, 2007 I gave birth to a child I will never know. I will never have a face (except in my dreams) to envision.

I did take my little baby (which unfortunately looked like a mass of tissue) and swaddled him in a blue corduroy blanket. I know that may seem odd to some but he was my baby. I couldn't discard him like he was nothing. How these arms still long for him and this heart ache for him but the peace that God provides has been my foundation.

There is a song that spoke to me throughout my "storm" and it still continues to speak to me for in everything my life here on earth may endure I will always Praise Him in the storms of life.

Praise You In This Storm

words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down,

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone how can I carry on

if I can't find You

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

This is my story. Abijah's journal has become my prayer journal because through his short life I learned more how to fully rely on God and have faith in His will and not my own. I made a promise to God. That promise was that if through my loss I could be able to minister to others that He use me for whatever He wanted. So, God please use me.